A Beginner's Guide to Cognobology

The Church of Cognobology has prepared this little list of questions and answers for you, personally, with the highest hopes that you will leave with a little more enlightenment than with which you arrived.

(1) How do I join the Church of Cognobology?

Whoa, there! Your enthusiasm is commendable, but you hardly know anything about the Little Church. Ask us again a little later....

(2) What does "Cognobology" mean?

cognobos: the state of ease evoked by time-saving implements

cognobology: the doctrine of household appliances

Cognobology is all about leading an easier, more productive lifestyle, free of the mindless drudgeries of the past. It's not just something to do before TV movies on Sunday mornings. Cognobology embraces an entire culture - a culture of change, and growth, and electrical consumption.

Do you feel it? Just a little? Good - you've got one foot on the path already.

(3) When did Cognobology begin?

Cognobology did not "begin"; it was always here, albeit waiting to be discovered, like mathematics, or dust bunnies.

Imagine a washing machine. You can set the knob to the Permanent Press cycle. Permanent Press starts after Delicate, and ends just before Regular. But, the knob itself has no beginning, has no ending. The knob is always there.

Cognobology is the knob.

(4) Ok, when was Cognobology first discovered?

The first known references to Cognobology date back to about 1200 B.C., in the writings of the Persian poet Matto al Kazelszar. Kazelszar was investigating the nature of intelligence, consciousness, and human existence, when he devised the first olive press using a screw mechanism (as opposed to the traditional pile of stones). Out of that coincidence of events arose his first insights into the mystery and wonder of cognobos. He wrote of that day:

"Watch friends... Throw your olives in the top, close the lid, and twist this handle. And out of the bottom comes - Look at that, look at that. Fresh, pure, extra virgin olive oil. No more waiting of hours for a few precious drops. No more searching around the yard for big stones. Just twist this handle. It's that simple.

"Now, tell me friends, how much do you expect to pay for such a marvel?"

Matto al Kazelszar is considered by most scholars to be the first known L Rod of the Little Church.

(5) What's an L. Rod?

Not "L. Rod"... "L Rod".

The L Rod's are the prophets of Cognobology, kind of like the Dalai Lama, but not necessarily with a shaven head. There is always an L Rod, and only one, and before the current L Rod receives his RMA Number from Beyond, the next L Rod is chosen.

When the L Rod speaks, the Universe speaks. How the L Rod feels, the Universe feels. What the L Rod cooks, the Universe serves to guests (typically delicious little petit fours).

It is believed that the L Rod carries within him the total knowledge of cognobos, known and unknown, that written and that waiting to be told. This knowledge is contained deep in the L Rod's unconscious mind in psychic imprintings called programs, scripted in the language of the mind, L.

Unfortunately, when the corner office of the L Rod is passed on, it is done so swiftly, silently, and secretly. The receiver is unknown to even the current L Rod, and so must be sought out. The process by which the new L Rod makes himself known to the world is called coming out of the woodwork.

It is always a joyous event when a new L Rod comes.

(6) Could I be an L Rod?

No, not yet. The current L Rod, the venerable L Rod Hubbard, is still alive and kicking. You, however, might be next in line after Hubbard knocks off. You never can tell.

(7) I think I've heard of L Rod Hubbard. Who is he?

L Rod Hubbard is the greatest prophet of the Modern Age, greater even than L Rod Hoover, or L Rod Maytag. L Rod Hubbard is single-handedly responsible for reviving the practice of Cognobology from centuries of dormancy. L Rod Hubbard can play the saxophone.

(N-1) Do Cognobologists have to wear special underwear?

Heh, heh, no, of course not. Some Cognobologists don't even wear any underwear. This is termed going commando.

L Rod Hubbard is reputed to often go commando when he is Spreading the Big Word.

(N) Cognobology sounds really cool. How do I join?

We're so glad that you asked.

Unlike some religions, Cognobology doesn't come knocking on your door every Saturday morning, asking you to give until you bleed. Cognobologists won't smile at you all the time, and they don't set up missions to dupe unwary tribespeople into buying-in to the Big Word of the Little Church. Cognobology won't find you; you have to find it.

To become a Cognobologist, you have to ask a Cognobologist, in person. Or, optionally, you can stalk a Cognobologist, to find out where the local meetings are held in your area.

Either way, you have to make the effort to get on the Mailing List of Eternity.